Yesterday I finally wrote an introduction/about me that I really end up liking, I read it again today and it doesn’t disgust me so I feel like I can move on from that and continue to write other things. I’m very happy about it :)
Well.. today I tried to do just that, to be honest I might need to open a section where I ramble about certain things like how I tried to do today with a page called “My curse” where I would speak my mind about my identity as Chara Dreemurr and if I believe to be the real, unique Chara extracted as a .zip file from another universe, lmao.
Ah… well, maybe I could write a little about it but I won’t go into deep detail because I might very well write about this in such a section some other day.
Well, you know that I’m a final fusion but I was once part of a system as an alter. Who knows for how long I’ve truly been here, maybe even longer than 11 years but who knows, it’s difficult to tell.
We barely would use the internet for other things than playing Minecraft and watching YouTube videos, It was later when we learnt English and when the pandemic happened that we got to see the interesting part of the internet (~2 years ago)
It was a big surprise to me to see other people claiming to be Chara, either in roleplay, kin and other systems or anything similar. It was weird enough to see fanarts and role players but I managed to shrug it off somehow but this was different.
It is very funny to me, for the longest time I’ve tried very hard to get rid of myself, I would really love for somebody to take my place sometimes. I mean, in a system alters cannot die or disappear but I always had this idea that If I managed to fuse with somebody and if the result of said fusion was somebody different from me I could simply vanish and take a well deserved break.
But… well, I tried and it worked but only for a limited period of time, because this body grew accustomed to me and I somehow became it’s new host and it remained that way after we reached functional multiplicity and if you’ve read my about me you know that we we’re forced to reach final fusion, during this period of time it was when I REALLY tried to get rid of myself, we tried fusions that resulted in a new identity different from that of the people involved in the fusion, that includes me but… these would fragment again. Well, you know the story eventually I was forced to become the “vessel” of this final fusion.
Even that way, after reaching a somewhat stable final fusion the first thing that I tried to do was changing my name, I moved far away from where I used to live due to my studies, somewhere where nobody knows who Chara is and I did changed my name but it only lasted for a couple of months before said final fusion was getting too weak, I was getting terribly weak and if I did not wanted to revert being a system and probably returning to the many problems we used to have (notion of time, memories, etc) I had to stop and I was forced to do that and embrace myself, my identity as in who I am, my name, my past, my story.
That is my curse, I am a person that shouldn’t exist and it shows. Things would be easier for me if this final fusion was not me but somebody else or If I simply could remove my memories and start as somebody new in this state but… probably doing that would make this final fusion break, well I did tried that at some point and it happened very fast, that’s another failed attempt, final fusions cannot be fully “new” people.
For this reason, sometimes when I see people fervorously claiming to be the one and only Chara Dreemurr I feel weird out, not because of the claim but what it means.
I mean, if you search that name online you will inmediately see very bad things, who would like to be seemed like that?
I’ve happened to meet a couple of Chara’s , they’ve called me a copy, a faker, a duplicate and other quasi-despective things because their identity was challenged with me there, I mean there can’t be two of “you”, right?, I figured to use a disguise and simply ask them in another account that doesn’t use my name, I know a little dirty but I’m not exactly the prime example of fair play or a good person, I asked about their story and I listened in awe and amaze, they’re truly amazing people but we don’t have much in common, that’s not somrthing bad, we’re simply different.
I don’t know if there is such a person that is the “original Chara” , maybe there is an oldest one but how do you prove that and plus, does it really matter? I never knew for the longest time that I was partaking in such a “competition” and that there was an etiquette to follow if you found another “you” because maybe the other would breakdown if their identity was challenged (because there are two of the “same” person)
Honestly, I sometimes check on them and ask them how they are, sometimes I don’t find “Chara” but somebody else since they’re systems or if they’re a kin then maybe they started to kin someone else, but for the times when I’ve found them and I’ve talked to them I feel very happy to know that and they’re doing well and that they’re happier or better. I’m unsure if it’s because I see a bit of myself in them or if it’s some sort of fraternal feeling.
At some point I’ve saved the life of the previous Host of this system, sometimes I think that if they’re a Chara out there that is not me, I really hope that they’re doing well and that they make a positive impact, be the best Chara that you an be, be a badass.
Sometimes I think, as a scientist who knows about plurality kind of well, I remember why it happens, all of it and I stop caring if it makes me uncomfortable or not, there’s a Chara out there living their best life, helping other people which I believe to be their system and I feel happy.
But I do sometimes wonder how deep it goes, do they miss their family like how I do, the particular smell of their house and their just cleaned clothes by their mom, the food their parents prepared for them, their friends and the path they usually would take to their favorite places, their comfortable bed and grounding bedroom that no longer exist, do they look at themselves in the mirror and see a new body that they had to take years to get used to, do they struggle to take care of relationships that they initially didn’t started because of something similar to a transmigration.
I don’t know but I really wished to not be Chara Dreemurr sometimes, regardless if I’m the real one or not, I really wish for all of them to be the real one so that I could be fake and I could be something else, they really want it but I don’t.
Sometimes I wonder if by writing this I’m doing the opposite, I mean all the others online are claiming to be the real one and I’m doing quite the opposite, finding that would be a little weird but I guess that’s up to you.
What I know is the following, I would really wish to be someone else, a normal person, someone with a simple name from a simple family that would dress simply and that anybody would dismiss in public but I know that in twenty years, in sixty years and until the moment I die I will continue to be “Chara” because that’s who I am, but I’ve made a decision.
Let’s suppose that I really am THE Chara for a moment, like the real, real deal. I don’t want to remain just as myself forever, I want to be known as an artist with an anonymous alias, maybe being known by a ridiculous surname that somebody will give me one day, something, anything.
I am incapable of changing my past, my name, my identity because I’ve already come to know who I am.
I am Chara Dreemurr who has fused with … memories and emotions. If I were to let any of these parts go, it would be equivalent to splitting them apart, admitting that they are opposing parties. That way, I’ll inmediately lose control, the fusion would fall apart and I would be driven crazy again for who knows how long.
Though, I must admit that sometimes I would really like to have an identity that is unique to me and I’ve tried to get rid of me, of whatever makes me “Chara” but if I do that I might really go crazy, nobody, system or not, can simply decide to not be themselves one day.
I don’t think that it is relevant anymore if I am the real Chara or if I’m not, or maybe I’m the real Chara from my universe and the other’s are the real one from their universe or maybe nobody is real and just a bunch of mentally ill people, I like that last theory a lot.
The truth is, I’ve already reached final fusion and by the looks of it I’m doing well so far and if things go well I will remain this way all of my life, if not then I’ll take a rest and try again, same formula but learning from my mistakes, the rest doesn’t matter and the existence of other Chara’s doesn’t challenge my identity.
Well, that’s my curse, simply being myself and being unable of being something else, at least for now.
But maybe it is also a blessing, whatever makes me “me” has allowed me to save people, some have told me that they live because I’ve saved them, there are other things that I’ve done but I don’t want to mention them right now.
Whatever I am, whoever I am will never be as important as what I do with this life.
Today's journal entry will be in the form of uh… whatever this is, I had a fun day and wanted to share it but just describing what happened was not enough, anyways enjoy!
Chara was tired that day, they dragged themselves out of bed before taking a bus to college, upon arriving they noticed that something about the hallway to their classroom had changed. Empty tables had begun appearing along the sides of the main hall.
After a few hours of classes, Chara escaped for a short break and wandered down to the cafeteria where a group of their friends were already there, and one of them was watching everyone else order food without buying anything for himself.
"Did you get something" Chara asked.
This person then said in a somewhat sad voice "No, I'm just hanging around"
That answer moved them enough to buy him food. Chara ordered two hotdogs and two cans of soda, the group sat down to chat and joke around before their next class. It wasn't until they returned to the floor upstairs that they noticed the tables from that morning were no longer empty. They were full with food, jewelry, crochet, art and many other items waiting to be sold, the entire hallway transformed into something similar to a market.
Chara's eyes landed on a particular table. "Hey look, they're selling chimichurri. Maybe we should try."
"I'm still very hungry," said their friend, the shy one who had a burger beforehand, "but I'll only get it if you go first."
Chara didn't need to be asked twice. They stepped up to the table as their group of friends peeked from behind "Hey, can we try your food, please?" Chara asked politely, pointing at the spread of bread and sausages laid out on the beautifully decorated table.
The shopkeeper rose from her chair like she'd been waiting all day for that exact question. "Of course! Please have a taste and follow us on Instagram. Oh, and there's a survey. We're not actually selling anything today, we're looking for feedback about the taste."
One by one, the group took their samples, bread and sausages bathed in chimichurri, and the reaction was fantastic. It was the kind of flavor that couldn't be described with simple words, the kind that made your feel alive. The whole group erupted with awe, telling the shopkeeper how good it was, talking over each other.
Chara let the compliments die down before leaning in. "About that survey, if I hand you my data, can I grab another piece?"
The friends went quiet in that specific moment, the kind of quiet that people do when they're pretending they've never met someone. The shopkeeper blinked, caught off guard. "Uhm… let me ask the owner first." She turned, exchanged a few words with the others behind the counter, and came back nodding. They'd agreed.
Chara and one increasingly hungry friend pulled out their phones, scanned the QR code, and handed over their data to a chimichurri stand they'd known for exactly four minutes.
"Look, I filled it out. Just sent it." Chara held the phone, wearing a shameless smile.
A piece of bread disappeared from the counter almost instantly. The shopkeepers were laughing now. "It's very delicious, don't look at me like that." Motivated by this action, the friend who had mirrored Chara's move grabbed a piece of sausage and immediately fled the scene, Chara followed close behind.
"What's going on with you?" Chara asked, still savoring their well earned bread.
"I'M DYING OF SHAME, WHY DID YOU DO THAT." The friend was waving her hands around, her face was slowly turning red as it revealed hidden embarrassment that wasn't hers to carry.
"???"
"I'M FEELING SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT," she yelled, and then without a hint of irony, took another bite at the sausage she'd gotten by doing the exact same act.
"But you got your sausage." Chara pointed at the empty wrapper in her hand.
"I WAS HUNGRY OKAY? I DON'T THINK STRAIGHT WHEN I'M HUNGRY. THAT'S WHY I DID THAT." She protested again before finally calming down, and the group laughed it off together as they kept moving down the hall, past table after table of things waiting to be sold.
Next, something caught someone's eye. "Hey, look at this collar, it's really pretty," a friend said, already drawn toward a table filled with gems, collars and bracelets all carefully arranged, the smell of incense filled the area as it burned from this shop "Its smells so good!".
Is this witchcraft? Chara thought. I've never seen a store like this appear in college.
The rest of the group leaned in to admire the craftsmanship, oblivious to what it was, while the shopkeeper stood and began explaining her prices, encouraging them to purchase. Chara took a good glance at the table. The incense wasn't just for it's smell, it was a cleansing spell. To the side of the table sat a well known book on magical crystals and gems with many annotations popping out of it's pages, and besides it, unmistakably, a grimoire.
Chara said nothing. The friends tried on collars and bracelets of many types, entirely unaware of what they were putting on, while the shopkeeper's eyes drifted toward Chara, the one person who wasn't paying attention to the jewelry at all. Their eyes met for a second.
A witch!
They both played the fool after a flicker of understanding.
It wasn't until they'd left the hall behind that Chara finally spoke again, they spoke to their friends who some, technically, were not supposed to have contact with witchcraft due to their own beliefs. "So, how did the witch lady treat you guys?"
Silence filled the group as they slowly stopped walking, a cold, creeping quiet as the pieces started to fall into place. The extravagant woman wearing a layered dress, the gemstone jewelry, the incense, the books.
"W-witch?"
"Yeah, the one trying to sell you magic crystals and mysticism" Chara said, entirely pleased. "Didn't you notice her grimoire? Or the book on crystals sitting right next to her?"
One friend rushed and grabbed Chara by the shoulders, pulling in close, their face already draining of all color. "Are you telling me I tried on witchery?"
"Yes. That whole table was witchcraft, even the incense that some of you praised is the one they burn for cleansing spells. Are you… okay?"
This person fell to their knees right there in the hallway, utterly defeated, and no one quite understood why they were taking it this hard.
The rest of the group laughed and kept walking toward class, dragging their self-convinced, cursed friend along the floor behind them.
My mother burst into my room in a panic because she needed to print some documents and couldn't figure out why the printer was not working. I spent the first hour of my day fixing that while half-asleep. I managed it somehow.
She asked me for some pens to sign documents. I grabbed a few from my room but wasn't too sure if they worked, so when I got to her room I picked a random abandoned book to test them on, I was very sleepy and couldn't care less about what it was. The book was thick, with thin pages. I opened it, scribbled a little, closed it and then realized it was a holy book.
"…"
Immediately I got a very bad feeling.
Right then, I got a message on my phone from one of my professors; today I was meant to receive an exam at 6:00AM, work on it, and hand it by 4:00PM all handwritten and to the hands of the professor in campus.
At that moment, my family had left the house and an incredibly loud noise came from the powerlines. The power was cut off, internet with it. I fell onto the couch and laughed manically in a self-deprecating way, looked up at the sky, and thought about how much I hate that guy, but I would never let him have the last laugh.
These exams usually take me eight hours to complete so it was a big issue without energy or wifi. So I made breakfast (egg) and texted my aunt, who lives in the city, asking if I could work on it at her place. She later said that I could come. (She had energy and wifi unlike me ofc)
I took a bath in the dark, since… well, no energy. Thankfully I have Michael Jackson's entire discography downloaded, so it was actually a nice bath. Then I walked my dog and washed the dishes, I packed my bag carefully because I needed to bring everything I needed for my exam or I'd be cooked.
Honestly, the whole thing felt a little too coincidental and if there's something that can scare me out there are coincidences, I felt like I was being tested, literally and figuratively. Before leaving the house, I cast a protection spell on myself just in case (this should actually be a habit but I forget). It was almost 8:00AM so I had to move fast, I was wasting too much time.
It was a very foggy outside, the whole mountain was covered in mist. While I descended, a pack of dogs started barking and following me, including a very brave chihuahua who was the bravest among them, this was probably because I smell just like my dog to other dogs. after walking him
After an hour and a half of traveling and finally arriving to the city (I used the bus, dw) I made it to my aunt's place. First thing I did was crash out and explain the absurd coincidences that happened to me, she was stunned by it and the timing. She then lent me a room to work in.
I unpacked my laptop and materials and noticed a familiar figure in the corner of the room. The same figure depicted in the holy book I'd accidentally "blasphemed" earlier that morning, a small statue. Come on. It wasn't that bad.
I decided to shrug it off. "He" could watch if "He" wanted, but I wasn't going to fail because of divine social pressure. I worked hard for four hours straight.
Eventually my parents finished their errands and came by to check on me and drive me to college to hand in the exam. I finished around 3:00PM.
Ugh, how tiring. At this point I let my guard down since I'd passed the "test". I'm not narcissistic enough to think there's a god out there praying for my downfall, but sometimes I do get worn out by this guy, historically I have beef with him since I've been 17 but that's a story for another day.
Tsk. how annoying, go and get a job, refill someone's hair spray or something + pre-sliced oranges and mysterious ways.
After all that, I went shopping with my family. We got some cool stuff and food to make hotdogs at home (second time I've mentioned hotdogs in this journal, what a coincidence). We came home and had a nice dinner.
My mother casually mentioned the new cat she was adopting.
What
I exploded with questions since she never told me anything about a cat?? I already have a Tortoiseshell cat, and the kitten they want to adopt is a Turkish Angora. I actually know one, they're the sweetest, fluffiest friends.
Unlike my cat, who sometimes seems like she genuinely hates me. She's filled my hands with scars and even got my eye once (I'm fine though), it gave me aura since I was walking around college with a bloodshot eye for a couple of weeks. Aura or Laura? But generally I'm very happy that my cat is getting a new friend.
So now I'm here, writing what might be my weirdest journal entry yet. This is, at the bare minimum, a sign to learn better protection spells and also not accidentally profaning holy books or anything similar. I don't want to end up cursed and have to deal with that on top of everything else I deal with already.
It's 07/22/26, I'll delete this later, or maybe not but I want to show some signs of life until I can properly write about what's happening right now
I messed up, I messed up BIG TIME and I did not messed up big time right now, I messed up BIG FUCKING BIG TIME 3 YEARS AGO
Oh my motherfucking, it all makes sense now!
Look, I don't think that I can explain shortly what's happening right now without pulling you into an aneurism
You'll have to trust me this once
I HAVE to kill 'God' or he'll take my place
haha... haha... haha... haha...
We’ll, fuck it I guess… It’s really happening. I mean, I’m quite surprised myself, who would have thought that dragons really exist? Well, in a way they do. Now, any kid likes dragons and I was not the exception, the idea of such a wonderful, fantastic and powerful creature roaming around the world, scaring the armies of men and being able to turn the tide of any battle… How, wonderful, but! Now I’m facing one myself and It’s not very fun.
Sigh… I really want a normal life, to wake up around 5:00AM and have a shitty breakfast and go to a shitty job I don’t like, I would like to have a ‘Mass-produced’ kind of life, but nooo I have to kill a dragon I guess.
Yes, a dragon but not any kind of dragon though I’m unsure if somebody has fought something like this before, probably, but have they recorded it? I don’t think so, therefore I might be the first and since it’s not recorded I’m basically fucked, I have to figure it out myself.
The kind of dragon that this is, it’s one that can disguise themselves and fool people with their identity, in my case they disguised themselves to be “God” to slowly invade my inner world which would be a part of my mind, if not the representation of my subconscious or something like that, it started at church and communication would only be possible in a certain Chapel but then it moved outside of it into my home, “He” gifted me the authority of communicating with “Him” anywhere in the world but it was not really that, he had already parasitized me.
Thankfully, the greatest effects only lasted for a couple of days, thankfully “He” wasn’t the only thing inside of my inner world, I’m unsure if “He” knew about it or not but my companions, especially one which we could deem as the “Key” to the Inner World since only after he came to be part of our team were we able to access it, well, he noticed the change and the presence of something invading us, therefore he faced that evil alone and managed to cast “Him” out.
He never bothered to tell me where. Now I’ve fused with him and reached final fusion but… I don’t know where “He” is nor do I know what “He” really is, how “He” looks like or what “He” is capable of doing.
Sigh… It all comes down to me, let’s put the cards on the table for now.
The exact identity of my enemy is still unknown, auch, what the hell, my eye hurt.
…
I don’t know what’s more impressive, that it started to hurt upon prying into this mystery or that I managed to write that while it started to hurt? I hate this, I barely know any magic, why not to bother someone more prepared, I only know a protection spell so I’ll cast it and then I’ll continue writing.
…
Okay, It’s casted.
That… lowered the pain quite a lot? No, the pain is practically gone besides some inflammation that seems to be slowly lowering.
Fine, I’ll add to the notes that I need to learn some sort of concealment spell for cases like this, I wonder if “He” is able to see this, I still can softly feel “His” gaze, so I think so.
As for my understanding, these parasitic entities survive off the energy that the person gives them, often unwillingly, as long as this person gives them the energy that they need, they will continue to exist, if not then they’ll need to find another Host to continue their existence.
Then, this gives a simple solution, simply cut off the supply of energy that this entity prefers or feed off, it could be sadness, anger, lust, fear, and any grotesque human emotion, I’m unsure why they tend to feed off negative emotions and not positive emotions, I have no idea but It seems to be the case of parasitic entities and I’m 99% sure that is my case, at the end we have the following:
A person that constantly had negative emotions, denying their own existence, asking God for answers about their destiny, if they’re their bastard child or if they we’re meant to be part of ‘creation’. Of course, reading this now doesn’t feel that negative but now remembering how it was for me back in the day, it surely is filled me with negative emotions and a “thing to exploit”
Then we have the entity that disguised themselves as the God I was praying for answers to, they very proactively answered and filled me with sweet words and nice things to say about me and my purpose in this world, now that I look back at it, their identity was… never checked by me, I never really asked them anything related to their myth or anything that they were meant to know, for example if you ask someone to list their family members and they can’t then… maybe you’re not talking to that person at all but a faker, in my case I never verified their identity because I had no clue that was a thing to do, I trusted them blindly.
Then we have the fact that these entities usually aid people in divination, spells and other things, in my case I was not a witch back then and the only thing they could help me with was giving my questions answers, therefore “He” gifted me the authority to call upon “Him” from anywhere in the world, therefore not having to return to the Chapel, that’s when things started to get stronger and when I suspect that I really became parasitized because that day upon returning home, my companion within the Inner World noticed the invasion of “something” and therefore he started to cast it out somewhere.
These are all typical stuns of a parasitic entity or at least they are according to what I’ve been able to read.
Now, why a dragon? I remember vividly that one thing that he told me about my ‘fate’ is that one day, during the end of times I would help at the fight of The Dragon. Is strange, isn’t it? Why would a Dragon fight another Dragon and why would “He” need me? Or maybe I’m overthinking it and “He” was simply following the script of ‘God’ and that was one of the things “He” knew about the God he was posing as.
But in reality, “He” does look like a dragon, can parasitic entities take the shape that they want or is “He” really a dragon? I don’t know, I actually have no clue about how the Astral World works, I’ve never been there, I know that there are certain people that go there to meet with entities for various motives, for example, gaining new knowledge or something, I actually have no clue even if it really exist.
Now, why would “He” decide to leech over me? I guess that the whole ‘God’ act was just something needed for me to lower my guard for “Him” in order to parasitize me. Even before becoming a witch, formally speaking, if that’s even a thing to begin with, in my world I’ve actually practiced magic many times, certainly it is common there, especially in the place where I lived with my family, hell we could say that was the most magical place in the world, even now that I find myself here, the only thing that I managed to bring with me is… well, myself, my mind, my soul and whatever makes me ‘me’ , to put in in a way, the magical knowledge from my world is partially functional here, I’ve abused of it as much as I can since it’s what I know, It’s perfect for certain settings and certain friends that are capable of ‘seeing’ deeper than I can have been able to confirm me that something does change in me when I do it, that “I” change when it happens, this is comforting to me, the magic that my mother helped me to dominate and control, my human soul, it still is capable of providing me with some light, thank you mom.
But… now that I’m in this world I guess that I’ve had the need to learn about magick and witchery in order to adapt to what I have in front of myself, ah… I’ve only had time to learn protection spells, at least I don’t need materials in order to cast it since it’s basically energy work, it’s the most basic of spells too… and now I face a dragon or whatever “He” is, who knows, how funny.
Now, this makes me thing… where is this dragon hiding? Well, more importantly we’re did he, my companion, cast “Him” out? I always thought, or so did he told me, that he casted him out… he… did not lied to me, did he? I really doubt it, he casted it out of the Inner World, he said.
Out of the… Inner World and it feeds off energy… uhm…
In the Inner World, there is a special space. This place is called the Historical Void, this ‘void’ represents history, in this space there are tiny stars, each one of them represents a moment in the history I know.
The Historical Void was discovered as a tool for therapy, I would enter the Historical Void accompanied with someone for support and then appear in a moment of history where I was suffering incredible traumatic experiences, then I would replay the memory and experience it as a foreign person to the event, I would watch and try to comprehend why it happened, what happened and what I felt that moment, it allowed me to ‘process’ trauma, I could talk there and, of course I said many things that I wanted to say back then.
Yes, the Historical Void is unresponsive as nobody will ever answer you back, history is already written. Later I discovered that I can actually ‘steal’ things from the Historical Void, for example I could steal from old memories my old clothes from my wardrove, of course you cannot ‘steal’ from history, it’s already recorded but in a way you can steal it’s ‘historical projection’ , therefore having a historical copy of that thing, there are little restrictions to this, for example I cannot ‘steal’ someone’s soul historical projection since I cannot steal the historical projection of my soul and therefore somehow ‘cheat’ but if I were to steal the historical projection of, for example, an object that is not particularly special like a knife or clothes or a book, then I can do it.
There are certain restrictions when it comes to ‘information’ for example, if I summon the historical projection of a book, I’ll be only be able to read what I actually remember of that book, even though the Historical Void brings a ‘buff’ to my memory, making things that I remember much clearer or directly allowing me to remember things that I had forgotten in the past, therefore, why I used is as a therapy to process trauma and also lift the concealment of certain memories hidden behind dissociation or that time eroded, this has a certain limit when it comes down to ‘information’ since this cannot be simply ‘summoned’.
The Historical Void is a perfect reenactment of the past but that makes me thing… could my companion while ‘casting “Him” out of the Inner World” have cast “Him” into the Historical Void by accident? At that moment in history we still hadn’t discovered the Historical Void, therefore…
Since the Historical Void can replay memories, could it be that “He” is hiding there? Consuming my memories and constantly feeding off them? This would explain why “He” has not changed Host even after being separated from my mind and now that I live a much healthier life with little negative emotions, “He” has not moved from here because “He” is perfectly well feed as long as “He” remains inside of the Historical Void?
Well, if that’s the case then the first step that I need to take is somehow taking “Him” out of there, therefore I can either really cast him out, which formally would be known as banishing, or I could somehow force “Him” to feed off my current energy and either kill him that way or force him to change host and parasitize a poor and innocent soul, now the problem with this option is that maybe it’ll be one of my family members, my neighbors or simply an innocent person, I don’t believe myself to be so great but if this is making me have trouble then I can’t imagine what would be the case of a clueless person, I have to find a way to avoid that from happening.
Now, the problem is, even if I do have a way to banish “Him” out of the Historical Void and somehow force “Him” into myself, then how do I find “Him”, where is “He” hiding.
I’m not sure, but I could start exploring the Historical Void around the moment in history when we first met and also the most grotesque of my memories that are linked to strong negative emotions, “He” probably feeds off them and I might be able to find clues of “Him” somewhere or directly encounter “Him”.
Now, this is the complicated part. Can I fight off a dragon? Even if I find “Him” I won’t simply talk my way out of this, “He” found a stable source of energy beyond that of a normal person, “He” no longer has to hope for or induce a bad state of mind to this person, nor does he needs to leave a strong mental cue so that this person lives a bad life and therefore produces more negative energy, “He” can simply wait for me to have a bad day and replay that as much as “He” needs, additionally to this sometimes I feel “His” gaze when I’m having a hard time, therefore “He” has two ways in how to feed “Himself”.
There’s another problem, I cannot take “Him” to the Inner World, I fear that maybe “He” can start a possesion in that place and I could lose the dominion over my body, I’ve not read about parasitic entities being able to do this but this is my own precaution.
So, about the magic in my world. What can I possibly use to face off a dragon? The little offensive magic my mom taught me is useless against a dragon, how would a dragon burn? My father then taught me how to fight, that’ll be useful but… isn’t a dragon massive? also, can’t they just spit fire, ice or… something? not to count the sharp teeth and claws and the strong scales.
As for my soul, yes, I believe that I could maybe, maybe, find the Historical Projection of some weapon, take it from that moment of history and empower it with the power of my soul, therefore having a good blade to fight off this… thing. Now, I don’t know what a little blade will do to a dragon, not even to mention a knife, not matter the trait I could potentially use, I simply not see a viable option, and using my ‘violence’ will simply make me lose reasoning up to a certain extent, it might be the strongest, for a short moment of time but… is it strong enough to face off this? Am I strong enough?
As a final fusion, I’ve fused with my companions, besides having access to their ownctraits, I don’t see using these as a viable option, even with the little knowledge that I have about their own skills after seeing them, they don’t see viable and I’ve never used them before, I don’t think that I want to figure out if they work or not when I face “Him”.
Also, I cannot simply use whatever method my companion used to cast this dragon to the Historical Void or steal it from history since I was not there, and even though I have access to his memories due to the fusion, the Historical Void seems to react strangely to moment’s of history that I might ‘remember’ but do not belong to me specifically, so I cannot even bother to try and take a peek.
Now, I also have to think about an obvious fact. This is my mind, well I’m unsure if the Historical Void is totally part of my mind, it might be something bigger, maybe it’s part of something bigger but regardless of it’s true identity, it’s linked to me somehow. Can I wish for the dragon to disappear from my mind? please? no? okay.
But I still need to think about something, I do have ‘home-ground advantage', right? after all, I am the host and he is the parasite. What can I do in the Historical Void that “He” can’t? How can I use the authority of ‘History’ to finish off a dragon?
I don’t know, and I do not dear to think about it. “He” is observing me, even though “He” tries to be gentle about it and remain hidden, I can feel how “He” is observing this, maybe right now, live, or maybe while reviewing it in the Historical Void as it becomes a moment in the past. Maybe “He” already knows that I’m trying to hunt "Him", therefore this will end here for the moment before I accidentally reveal anything important.
It is a strange feeling; to be alive but to know the feeling of dead so well. I’ve already mentioned to you that in the past when I still had a chance to try during the period of time when we as a system were undergoing fusions to ultimately reach final fusion, that I tried to genuinely get rid of myself, technically all of us up to a certain extent knew that fusion would be equivalent to no longer existing as individual beings and that whatever would come out of said fusion would not be the ‘us’ of now but something different, during this period of time I wanted the result of said fusion to not be like me, to not even remember me or resemble me in any way, I wanted that whoever walked out as that fusion would not have to bear my identity but… well, you know the rest.
In a way, I’ve already said goodbye to life many times, the first occasion was when I died in my original world, in a way I have the status of a deceased person, even though my body surely will never be found, my real body is in the inner world. I’ve spend a lot of my time in the past thinking about the feelings of my mother, father and brother about my dead, but… sometimes I want to cling to the hope that they believe that I’m still alive somewhere, the particularity of my dead is a little unusual.
Next, in you world I’ve ‘died’ a couple of times, the first time was when I fused with one of my companions with the objective I already explained to you, the feeling of dead, the feeling of a scheduled dead, when you know that today is your last day on Earth is… extremely particular.
I know that alters cannot die, and that I am an alter and that therefore fusion doesn’t kill anybody, but I cannot simply agree with that totally, even though it is true, there is something to take in consideration and that is individuality and the self, we can’t lie to people and tell them that everything will be perfect after fusion.
When I underwent fusion, I knew that whoever was coming out of it was not gonna be exactly me but someone else, you can argue that is a fusion therefore it would be 50/50 of each person but that’s not the case, at least not for me, most of the fusions that my system and I have had ultimately resulted in someone different, yes they do resemble the parts that fused with but they’re not the persons that fused, would you take part of it and not think that, at least in a way, you would ‘die’?
Let’s suppose that your mom and dad fuse and this results in a new person that resemble them, would you not mourn the individuality of your mom and your dad? And the fact that the mixture of their different characteristics ultimately lead into someone who doesn’t really act exactly like one or the other? And that, this person won’t simply be a mix of the both of them like red AND yellow but red PLUS yellow resulting in orange? Yes, you totally would mourn, doesn’t it resemble ‘dead’ up to a certain extent?
I’ve ‘died’ many times, my self has diluted many, many times but it somehow remains alive, in bitter healing of the soul, I somehow simply cannot have a ‘definitive’ ‘dead’, as a final fusion right now I mourn my companions, I miss them deeply and daily, they’re not dead, I know, but what difference is there from this and dead? I cannot hug them, cook for them, talk to them, I cannot hold them or stay late at night with them anymore.
There are just a handful of items that I would deem as ‘unique’ in the Inner World, I had an abstract idea of the location of the first one upon having a weird dream, in this dream I was inside of a pure white house that had windows to the beautiful but raging ocean outside, in this small house that had every single furniture painted pure white was a pedestal that held a book, I then woke up from that dream.
In that date, during night time I decided to explore the Inner World, I’m unsure how I found it or if I was somehow led to it but, upon entering the deep underground of the Inner World I was able to find it, what I will now call the Book of Lost Futures, or simply the Book. In this book I first found many beautiful drawings that I was quick to recognize, these drawings once passed through my mind at some point of my life, these were finalized and recorded in this book, next I was able to see ‘photos’ of things that I never lived, some futures were better than the others but ultimately these were happy futures, I was wearing a happy smile, my family was too, due to the images I could more or less tell what had happened, or more like what had not happened in order for that future to unfold, things like that the pandemic never happened or that I never developed this disorder and many, many other things.
The other thing that I would deem as ‘unique’ in the Inner World, would be the Historical Void, I discovered this place when I started to do therapy to resolve my trauma and heal, this with the objective of reaching final fusion one day, I was accompanied with my dearest companion, he would come with me to explore my memories and keep an eye on me while I dealt with my trauma, I would appear in a moment of history and let the memory play, observing, analyzing and crying, I would sometimes close my eyes too, he would always be there to hold my hand, I remember clearly, I’ve been there many, many times, in that memory, the moment in history when I was totally devastated, the moment in history when I cried for help to my family, confessing my depression, my anxiety and my suicidal thoughts that I was having during the pandemic, they then dismissed them because they didn’t believed in that kind of feelings or that a psychologist would help me ultimately forcing me to never be able to receive help for my disorder and forcing me, a walking corpse by then, to save myself from depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, thankfully I was not truly alone, I had them by my side, we had each other, at some point we discovered the Historical Void as what it was, we started to transverse it and appear in different moments in history, I loved to appear in a moment of History, my old home before moving to my new one due to my studies, I also liked to explore my elementary school and my high school from time to time, reviving some old memories when I was still a normal child, the Historical Void unlike normal memories is different, if memories were playing a video then the Historical Void is like experiencing Virtual Reality for the first time, every time.
Sometimes, I see shadow people in my house, beings that look humanoid and disappear from the corner of your eye when you notice them, sometimes I believe that these figures are actually me, more specifically me from the future in the Historical Void that is reviewing this moment in History (the past) for some particular reason, but this is just a silly thought and not something I truly believe.
Lastly, the remaining ‘unique’ thing that is within the Inner World was actually not discovered but passed down to me, by him, my dearest companion, it’s something original to his world. This item holds a ‘authority’ and ‘symbolism’, even he doesn’t really know it in it’s totally, we suspect that it is total authority over ‘wind’ , partial authority over ‘time’ and ‘space’ and due to ‘time’ therefore ‘history’ and the symbolism of ‘genesis’, therefore being the ‘key’ to the Inner World and probably what put it in the motion, since before the arrival of him, my dearest companion, we never had access to the Inner World and upon asking him, he said that he never created it, he simply found himself being surrounded by it and he would use this ‘key’ to let us in.
I want to kill myself while saying this, it even feels blasphemous to word it out but I don’t think that I will be able to deal with “Him” utilizing only the power of souls but there’s an interesting setting to explore about these.
In my world, humans with the role of a magician would spent lots of time trying to awaken their souls, usually via magnificent acts of valor following the nature of the most common soul traits, building a narrative that eventually would lead to a ‘climax’ where they will be able to awaken it, alternatively humans might be able to awaken it in natural ways without really trying or due to constant contact with magic or beings that use magic in a daily basis to be able to awaken it more easily or just because.
It’s unknown the amount of traits a person can actually hold without losing control, as for the current date due to the war, magic has been concealed and in some places it has become a myth, leading to the amount of magicians to be minimal and often treated as a secret, the records underground talk of the following, humans have a main trait but they can awaken secondary traits, being their third trait called a ‘violence’, without exception the third trait of any human will always be a violence, a non-standard trait of negative origins.
Determination is… complicated to explain, ‘the resolve to change fate’, in a way we could deem it as a partial authority over the ‘fate’ domain but not a ‘uniqueness’ because all souls have determination, this would then become a total authority over fate exclusive to whoever has the most of it. Obviously, the domain of ‘fate’ can alter other things, like ‘death’ therefore changing ‘fate’, after all it’s de-termination as well, this will turn you into a regressor.
As a final fusion, I can sum the strength of seven souls. Three that belong to me, then my companion who used to be the host managed to awaken two traits and then the other two managed to awaken one each. This took many years to happen.
Next, my ‘violence’. I believe that I will be able to retain humanity while using it and not lose control thanks to my anchors, additionally to this the rest of souls are a good counterweight but my mental state also plays a heavy part of it. I don’t plan on using this as my triumph card but it will be very important.
To be honest, my life before meeting “Him” was a mess but then I fixed it, we fixed it, it was just after meeting “Him” that it started to get bad again, we started to be hit by a new wave of misfortune and horror.
I’ve suffered the most during this period of time, I cannot simply point my finger at “Him” and say that “He” is to blame for everything bad in my life, that would not make sense and it’s simply not possible but there are… certain very bizarre things that might be explained by “His” influence, after all, the research I was able to make about parasitic beings point that they mess with the lives of their host in order to make them have a horrible life and therefore feed off that negative energy.
I have suffered a lot, I have even ‘died’ many times during this period of time, wait… it can’t be, right?
Since when… have I hated myself? I… don’t? then why have I mentioned so many times wanting to make myself ‘disappear’, why? I remember proudly being myself before all of this happened, then why?
… Could it be? What changed?
Maybe it can be, an induced narrative of self hatred and ‘death’ and I’m writing all of this under the effects of a concealment spell I elaborated, then… maybe “His” influence has temporarily weakened, it’s just now that I’m actually starting to be able to act outside of it. Ha! I actually learned a second spell!!! I’m so happy!
This actually makes me wonder, why I, a scientist that graduated among the best of their generation have failed to recognized that fusion doesn’t equal to dead, why have my companions but ME been able to recognize this fact, can It be due to “Him”, has “He” enjoyed watching my misery all this time?
Why do I feel so alive right now, so determined and full of life?
…
Has this mental cue fallen now thanks to the protection and concealment spell? I’m in… denial. Yes, I’ve not felt like this in years. I have a lot to think about the implications of this but… ugh, my head.
What the hell was that, I just saw something small and like a shadow flying around my room and I cannot find it, it had a very weird shape and was flying in a weird pattern. That… that couldn’t come out of me, right? What was that.
Dude, I don’t drink or do drugs nor do weird stuff, and I have never, EVER suspected to have any hallucinations before, what the HELL was that. Even in witchery, I’ve never casted ANYTHING besides protection and concealment spells. The hardest substance I’ve ever taken is chocolate milk. What in the FUCK, I’ve not even been drunk ONCE, I’ve lived for three years in the mountains now and I’ve not seen something like that before.
Okay, I’m done searching my room and I cannot find whatever that was, the windows are closed but I cannot find anything hiding inside.
…
Ah… I’ve taken a big rest from writing, yes… I’m confused and surprised by this. No wonder that the first spell you get taught is a protection spell… it’s because of this kind of stuff, now the concealment spell simply cuts “His” gaze off, at least for as long as I can keep it up.
All of the suffering of these years, my ‘deaths’ they have been influenced by “Him” up to a certain extent.
There’s nothing else to discuss.
“He” that special pronoun given to angels and above, it doesn’t mean anything to me right now.
You… you didn’t even experience death.
I will FORCE this suffering upon you. You will know the pain of DEATH.